Chuck Norris jokes
A collection of Chuck Norris jokes from around the net and Chuck Norris jokes from my “Chuck Norris jokes” books.
I hope you find the Chuck Norris jokes you are looking for!
Chuck Norris once thought he was wrong he was however, mistaken!
Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong damn number, you pick up the wrong phone!
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer, the only problem is, Chuck Norris NEVER cries!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero!
The First rule of Chuck Norris is… you do not talk about Chuck Norris!
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you do!
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a man so hard it turns out he was the only man in heaven to need a wheel chair!
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded!
Chuck Norris is the only man that can survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris doesn’t climb trees, he just pulls them down and walks on top of them!
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris!
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song!
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one!
Bears play dead when they are attacked by Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone!
Chuck Norris can get blackjack with just one card!
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip!
Shooting stars make a wish when they see Chuck Norris!
When Chuck Norris was in middle school his English teacher assigned an essay “What is courage?” Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top!
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris!
Newton’s Third Law is wrong! Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick!
Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris does not actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear!
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in New York, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesomeness cannot be contained in one building!
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs, Chuck Norris however can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or a microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold!
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his stomach, and roundhouse kick you at the same time!
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1995 exhibition in San Antonio when he rode the bull 1,400 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning!
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Whats last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales!
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Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink!
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In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super powers are done with special effects, Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character!
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If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance”
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The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick, they didn’t even come close!
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A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people, it is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there!
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The imaginary numbers in math are imaginary because they are hiding from Chuck Norris!
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Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick as such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox!
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For most people, home is where the heart is but for Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls!
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When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas he doesn’t have to gamble, the casinos just give him stacks of money!
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On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers He, got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence!
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In fine print on the last page of The Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris! and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten to him!
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Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff!
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Chuck Norris never sleeps well because ….. Chuck Norris never sleeps!
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When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor, no one slaps Chuck Norris and gets away with it!
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